Subject: Travel funnies
Dear Ziners,

Since flying hasn't been much fun lately, I thought you all might enjoy these travel blurbs. Enjoy!, Rebbi Levin Providence, Rhode Island


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Below are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

On landing the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child .... pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

Earlier in the flight, the head attendant had announced, Please direct your attention to the pilot's ex-wife and his present girl friend as they demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's was the asphalt!

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD! Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!